Do you remember when you were young? Eating an ice cream cone involved spilling it all over your clothes and hair? Enjoying your favorite show ( in my case power rangers), involved unashamedly standing in front of the tv while yelling and karate-kicking the evil Villians as they destroyed Angel City? In our young state, acting out in a ridiculous manner was just an elder’s request away.
In our young age, the thought process concerning decision making was extremely rudimentary. This hill looks steep. Going down this hill on a bike would be fun. I’m going down the hill. It’s only after you plummet down the hill, you realize that the bike has no breaks and then you rack your balls after hitting a tree. Now although the subsequent feeling is excruciating pain, this result played no part in your initial decision; you will forever one-up your friends with this story. In our younger years, the decisions we made were truly self-gratifying. It pleases the self to yell at the tv, therefore it was done. It pleased the self to run around the house naked therefore, the Alce’ house would be witness to my glory…..time and time again. let’s put this process of decision making in a simple equation:
Equation for desires
instinctual feelings+ action=desire/the fulfillment thereof.
to put in philosophic terms: I think therefore I am……..going to do this right now.
What I am trying to say in very complicated language our Circle of self (inner-the core of our being, the essence of who we are. are inner dreams and unspoken thoughts.), the process of choice,becomes convoluted as we become older. Somewhere down the line, desires and the pursuit thereof, become predicated on outside stimuli. Each decision becomes a product of outside consensus. We don’t necessary lose the longing to please our inner intrinsic selves, but rather others play a bigger influence. I think this is what this equates to in the long run:
instinctual feelings + outside variable = desire without fulfillment
Being in New York, I have a lot of time to read, converse with others and just think about my life now and what I feel it is exactly that I am passionate about and want to do. In reference to my first equation, (instinctual feelings+ action=desire/the fulfillment thereof.), I feel that all my reading, discussions and reflection is really giving me more confidence and clarity about my instinct. those dreams you constantly have. Those ideas that you find your self writing down on napkins or thinking about when you are alone. New York City has really opened me up intellectually. I feel that I am growing a lot and getting more clarity and confidence with each day. Like they say, ” If you can make it here, You can make it anywhere”. I haven’t made it there, but I have a good view of where i’m going and my ability to get there increases each day.