WAIT

As I get older,  I’m starting to realize the importance of patience and its effect on my life. I would consider myself  a man with goals an ambitions; With so many ideas and hopes swirling around in my head,  it’s hard for me at times to stay in my lane and as Joel Embiid would say, “Trust the process”. The advent of social media and other impetuous mediums of self-aggrandizement created this massive platform to live in your “perceived moment of importance” as opposed to the present moment that might not exactly reflect what the gram is projecting to the populace. These highlights are exactly that,  a high point . There is no mention of any travails that the day week  or year might have brought. Honesty, I can honestly spend less 10 minutes on Instagram and end that time, log off Jealous , stressed and  determined to transform my now into one with goals and ambitions fulfilled. My impatience is fueled by what the moment is telling me now as opposed to what past experiences tell me as truth. 

It’s crazy when you look into Israel’s response to the delayed return of Moses .  The bible states the people grew restless in waiting for Moses on Mt. Sinai. They stated, “Make us gods to go before us: as for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.”  This makes no sense. The People of Israel even state who Moses was and how he was used by God. They acknowledge the miraculous deliverance from Egypt, yet somehow, this truth ,this proof of concept was not enough to sustain them as they waited.  Sometimes I read this and think “ God I know you’re real, I know you are alpha and omega, but can you just like open traffic on the 405 N JUST ONCE , like the Red Sea.”

“Don’t make it empty for me when I’m taking it to North Hollywood but literally part the cars as I drive northbound.” You’d think that seeing this would be enough but I don’t think it would be. I mean for a few months, maybe even a few years, it would be more than enough to sustain me, but time is funny; it does something to you. Distance from a situation will steal the allure of its past moment. What once stood as an amazing feat of power is relegated to normalcy.  As evidenced in this part of scripture, time will change your perspective.

Perspective in the webster’s dictionary is defined as “A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; Point of view.” Our perspective on waiting can dictate our patience or lack thereof.  The people of Israel wanted a “god.” The way god is denoted in  this sentence (uncapitalized), could infer that any representation would suffice, that any tangible, physically present form of any god would satiate their need for presence, their second “Red sea parting.” For me, there are times that I experience bouts of  restlessness where I am not able to focus and all of my thoughts of  ambitions dreams and relationships run wild in my mind. In these moments I can acknowledge the my past accomplishments , my “Red Sea parting”, yet it doesn’t matter. the stillness of the moment demands an immediate manifestation of some desire now. I want comfort now. That’s why it’s so gratifying for me to talk about what i’m working on. The instant gratification and accolades I get for presenting a “good idea” in that particular moment are more gratifying than sitting my room and working on the Idea. In the impatience of waiting for the right relationship and covenant, it’s more gratifying for me to find a random hookup to meet my temporal sexual needs. These actions are based on a wrong perspective on what a time of waiting is. 

When I was younger, my dad would define waiting as a time of service. Service is an outward action; It was one of giving. Seeing a time of waiting as a time of service,  will kill a wayward mind. Right now as I work on building a business, it is those times in the process when I just want the end result, that I focus my mind on generosity on others. I don’t really know how to define others but it works. As I get older, I realize that I can never lose perspective of what waiting looks like and of the magnitude of what God has done, is doing and is capable of. Vision must be aggressive. It must push beyond doubts and temporal pleasures that can act as blockades to where you are going.   Perspective  gives direction to where vision leads you. It’s grounds you. Stay ground. It’s all I’m trying to do these days.

LOYALTY.VISION.FOCUS.LOVE.

 

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Once again 

I remember catching the LIRR Years back as I headed into New York  city to look for work or heading to my new job. Although now I sit in these seats as just a visitor to New York, the memories from my time in this beautiful city rush back so vividly it’s almost as if I’m sitting next to by 24 year old self.

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BLACK IN AMERICA

For the Mayweather vs Conner MacGregor fight, I went to vegas with my bros and my best friend from childhood. We watched fight at the MGM Grand  amongst other fans of pugilism and those who just wanted to be part of the fanfare. The audience was comprised of a couple of hundred people and if I were to guess , the theater was probably %75 Irish and 85 percent pro-MacGregor over all.  So when the young lady came out to the ring to sing the Irish national anthem, the theater was truly a sight to see. There were Irish flags everywhere waving violently throughout. The words of the Irish faithful rang as though this was  a salute to the country and existence itself . You could feel the pride that emanated from these people . The next Anthem to be sung was the American National anthem when at this very moment in time in our history just felt strange. The irony in this situation was teeming. Here I was waiting my turn to turn to express my sentiments of  Rabid nationalism for a country that is currently expressing  it’s disdain for people of color in a way we haven’t seen since Jim Crow. The fighter representing the “Americans” was not even deemed as much as 3/5 of a person at on point of time in our history and even now may not be deemed a true symbol of the American man.

It’s very interesting time to be black in America. Anyone who is Black is very much cognizant of the racist undertones that are inextricably woven into the fabric American history. This country was literally built on the false of ideology of racial superiority.   And right now it feels as if there is a revival to teach this hatred to a new generation. The indictment against the case for our existence as equals is being made more and more overtly and amongst populist society.

The picture above made me sad and hopeful. As some sects of white society push indoctrinate young white America, It seems that the onus always falls on us to prove our equality. To prove that we have restraint and decorum.  If you are consistently teaching a false ideology that crawls into the fiber of everyday life and adversely affects the very institutions that shape a persons lively hood, then you will always have the “superior” hear the case and plea of the other as to why they deserve respect . This is not a viable path to equality as the positions of opportunity and privilege are denied to a people which makes them look as if they are lesser when in reality they are just denied. What this picture also says to me is that there is hope.

As more people of  use their opportunity to influence positions of power and position in society, we too have a place in changing perception position and ultimately our lives as a citizens of America. This picture represents the true relationship of racist ideology and black America. We are bigger than this.

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Soul Food

Every time the squad comes together we eat. It’s what my family does. digest a good meal as conversation marinates. words left at the table , finished on the porch. I’m never allowed to cook when we convene. If given duties , I’m usually relegated to the most rudimentary of dishes.

cole slaw

salads

actually just set the table

It is where we will congregate after the food is blessed.

And the line of hungry people finish creating their plate of food.

an artistic pile of grub compiled almost as if  a game of tetris was in being played.

I will make my plate last

There in my chest lies a fullness .

not from my mom’s salmon but rather from her laugh.

Dad’s snoring on grandma’s recliner. Tie flipped over the left shoulder. residue from a clever move to avert an unfortunate convening of precious silk fabric and briset gravy at the dinner table.

Laughs are shared and pie is cut. The Lakers are cruising through the playoffs.

When my Aunty Mattie points at the screen , Shaq can’t miss a free throw.

Such fortune is what keeps us together.

though at times we may be worlds apart.

Right now they are content.

I will eat later.

I’m full .

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Kerry James Marshall 


Kerry James Marshall’s work was the MOCA for the last time today . I had to go see it. This was one of my favorites.

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Family


My cousin was in town so you know we had to link up. I love family .There’s something about these relationships forged by blood and marriage that I find comforting; maybe it’s the simplicity and complexity that are brought together in communion. Because you are my blood, my only choice is to love you. I cannot hate my own flesh. The complexity is found in humanity. We all have our issues ,mannerisms and nuances. This paradox what makes life fun . How do I move forward in a singular command which involves such complex arithmetic ? The answer after 30 years is one I don’t know but I just ponder on, as I move forward . 

Peace ,

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Family


It’s funny when I talk to people and when they ask me where I’m heading , in reference to my parents house , I always respond I’m going home. Rarely do I say I’m headed to my “parents house” My current residence is in Los Angeles but meals like this make me feel like home. I’m not to bad in the kitchen myself but nothing touches my mom’s home cooking .

Seeing my pops today for Father’s Day also reminded me of why wherever he is at will always be considered home; it’s the safety and the comfort . Sitting on the couch talking with my dad reminds me of a familiarity that no amount of furniture and pictures can ever replicate . Our relationship is built of 30 years   Of Spoken and unspoken communication. Hugs and kisses, fights and arguments. Words of wisdom and counsel that I will never forget . This spread of food will forever remind me of home, because my dad likes it . Not necessarily the food itself , but the fact that he played a part in the provision . That’s always how he has been. He’ll pray, eat a little and just watch the table . It’s those eyes watching over me that bring a comfort . It’s that voice on that phone that fortifies my backbone when trials seem to be too much. It’s what I aspire to be one day. The man at the head of the table just watching . Enjoying the food that God has provided, but enjoying just a little more the satisfaction that I was privileged enough to Enjoy it with my family .  Eat up pops; we’re okay . We’re home .   
Happy Father’s Day Dad . I love you the only a first born son can love his dad after 30 years . Unconditionally and with pride .

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